*Written May 2018.
She’s been your best friend since 5th grade
You’ll be together forever.
You’ll travel the world, You and
The Most Beautiful Girl.
We’ll both wear white dresses,
You beam as you say
She wags her eyebrows before looking away.
You choose the same college
She’s now surrounded by boys
They buy her shit, take her to lunch.
To dinner & weekend ski trips.
And you realize you’ve lost your travel partner.
You pretend you haven’t lost
The only girl you ever kissed
And roamed her whole body with your tongue and your lips.
You know the scent of her skin, god the line of her hips.
The delicate fingers that discovered your sweetness
That stroked you to frenzy
Left in heavenly weakness
You blossomed in her arms and two became one
She completed you by the caress of her tongue.
Your bedroom is cold
All you know is empty ache
where her tiny hand
Would steal into the place
Open to her alone.
Cautiously, inch by precious inch,
She’d fill you.
One hand on your hip
The other inside
Bodies woven together
Limbs forever intertwined.
And you will forget her
But the emptiness is real.
The absence of her touch
You are sure you’ll never heal.
Yet you survive.
And you close up your heart, your mind and your legs.
And you lock up your hurt.
And you survive.
In time, you meet “The One.”
Smart, funny, a new study buddy.
Secondhand bookshops and coffee
turn into late nights.
You’re just friends sharing a bed
Since it’s too late to walk home.
Every night you grow closer,
Your hunger loud with pangs
The wolf inside you awakes,
ravenous.
Tips of hard nipples tickle your back
As she presses against you in your borrowed t-shirt
Her warm mound suspiciously nestled against the cheeks of your ass.
She offered herself up but you make the first move
And you kiss her
And make her yours
Like she knew you would.
She’s innocent, inexperienced
But perfect in every way
Her curves melt into yours
Her mouth small and warm.
And you thank the goddess for sending The One.
Disregarding your school work,
You can’t get enough.
Day to night, night to day
You kiss and you fuck.
Life never tasted so sweet
So you taste her again.
And then one day,
She can’t look at you.
And everyone’s eyes dart quickly away.
A Teacher-Student Affair
Comes to light that same day.
She’s been screwing your Advisor, You introduced them, by the way.
It was well known but
no one dared say.
You feel like a fool, and you hold back your tears.
Pretend it doesn’t matter, you’ll do that for years.
Alone again, feeling stupid too.
You withdraw from everyone
because that’s what you do.
You bottle it up
you finish your last year.
Silent and angry, you know they fucked here
And in every classroom of that horrible school
Some of your friends even found them
But you act like it’s cool.
Your heart is broken and you seethe with rage
You lock up your heart, your needs sealed away,
Not happy, but safe, you are a locked box,
You don’t need attention, companions nor touch.
And you will forget her…In time
But the ache is real.
The absence of her touch
You hope the silence will heal.
And you survive.
Winter finds you alone
Not so desolate this time
when nobody’s home.
Fuck True Love, You don’t need it!
You are an Army of One.
You realized most of your life
You spent as part of a pair
By yourself you finally travel
Dirty cities, earthy pastures &
frozen mountain air.
Kind new pen pals, invitations to stay
You finally enjoy the strange folks on the way.
You open to new friends and even to yourself
Even without That Girl and The One
You were always enough.
There is contentment in silence
Loneliness too, but it’s okay.
You now cry when you’re sad
Scream when your angry
Cuss the assholes away
And take no shit from anyone
Unless you feel like it that day.
New friends, foes and lovers, at least you engage
Not hiding as the understudy
In awe of the stage.
You live out your own fantasies
and over nightmares prevail,
In serenity and sorrow
Love, lust & journeys you share.
Life finally untethered, you do
Far more than survive.
You are now the zany traveler bringing joy on the way
So grateful you hung in for the fight
And helping others learn how to say
They too, will survive.
Katya Evangeline 