Can Male Writers Satisfy Women’s Hottest Romance (Novel) Fantasies? A Challenge to Men Writing Erotica and Romance!

I wrote a long comment to a post by Forbidden Writer. He wrote about the challenges a male erotica writer faces in writing a woman’s POV and erotica that appeals to women in effective and believable ways.
Forbidden Writer’s post is here, On Female Perspective. Much of my response is encompassed below.

My response to a man writing a female point of view and writing erotica that arouses and speaks to women is this:

I make a beeline for decent erotica and erotic romance written by men. I specifically BUY their work (and devour it) just like I do writing by women.

By erotic romance I mean the very popular genre novels that are mainly written and read by women and are some of the top-selling eBooks. There are few male writers that advertise or admit to writing these. Men may be writing under female or gender neutral pen names but that still supports the idea that Women’s Romance novels are considered a Woman thing.

I am cis and bi+. I know what I like about men and about women. In terms of MF romance, or any exponential mixture of M’s and F’s, I KNOW the way I would want a guy to see me, desire me and take me. This is a pretty common plot line. That probably sounds ridiculously simple and silly but the issues tackled and the way they unfold are anything but. Romance novels also have other amazing qualities and often feature independent, fierce, totally bad-ass women. (I only started reading Romance in the last 2 years- and it is a very underrated and unfairly maligned genre!) As to the Romance aspect, these novels shows how women want a man to relate to them and gives them that- even if it is an unrealistic fantasy.

In terms of romance fantasies I KNOW the way I would want a guy to perceive, desire and take me.

This genre captures and feeds the fantasies of a HUGE group of female readers. You want to know what a heck of a lot of women want? Seriously, read some romance. Just read the blurbs. I KNOW “not all women” like this genre. Maybe most women don’t enjoy them. And YES, this genre’s demographic is probably heavily cisgender, heterosexual (or bi) middle class white women. Still, if you want to write books marketed to women or want to understand what a significant chunk of female readers think- pick up some best-selling romance novels. These will SPELL out for you the type of hunk that creates spellbound readers, pebbled nipples and slick panties.

IN MY OPINION, or at least in the romance books I enjoy, I think women want to be respected, admired and worshiped-body and soul. Put another way, we expect the male love interest to fall deeply in love, lust, burning passion for the heroine because of her non-physical attributes (strength, intelligence, and independence) and only a little bit due to her unique or unsung physical traits. Due to her irresistible charms this sexual god/brute has NO CHOICE but to fall down in obeisance and worship her. Life should no longer have meaning apart from ravishing/pleasuring/claiming her.

According to romance novels, women want to be respected, admired and worshiped- body and soul. 

Image via Otto

Due to the heroine’s irresistible charms the sex-god hero has NO CHOICE but to fall down in obeisance and worship her. Life should no longer have meaning for him apart from ravishing/pleasuring/claiming her.

I admit many romances are a lot cleaner, sweeter and gentler than this. But I don’t read those. Sorry.


So, why do I crave reading erotica and romance by men? I’m looking for something.

It may be hopelessly unrealistic but I have this hope that I can read romance and erotica written by men and find that men are capable of desiring and coupling with women in the ways that a lot of women want to be desired.

My value and self-esteem are in NO WAY dependent on whether I am sexually attractive to men or to my male partner.

But in an intimate context (An APPROPRIATE, CONSENSUAL, INTIMATE CONTEXT of my choosing), I want to know what I look like in my lover’s eyes, what turns him on about me, and how he experiences me. I REALLY, REALLY want to believe that my lover, at least for that moment, finds me the most alluring, desirable woman in the world.

Many men are not verbally expressive, are not wordsmiths, may be the silent type or for other reasons don’t articulate or show women feelings that remotely resemble women’s fantasies. Maybe these romance fantasies are as unrealistic for women in the same way a man might fantasize about a harem of beautiful women who live to worship his cock. I think a man finding a woman who loves his cock IS attainable and yes, I do know many men love and worship their women.

I am jaded and cynical. I have internalized a lot of true facts about how men view and treat women and much of it is ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I have had role models in my life who made their female partners feel like ugly cows. A majority of women feel insecure about their looks or value and some of that has been due to the men in their lives. Then there is the whole patriarchal downgrading of women everywhere. A close male friend once told me that in porn, and also in life, “men just want a warm hole.” God, I hope that’s not true.

My life does not depend on positive male feedback to me or womenfolk. But in my view of the world, just like I want to believe that people can be altruistic and good, I want to believe that men can value women with a healthy lust and appreciation. I have a compulsion to find evidence that men are attracted to a woman’s whole person and see us as equal and worthy intimate partners.

Maybe it is a ridiculous dream but at the very least could some of you men write fantasies validating women’s romance fantasies before these women readers and writers notice that they are just wishing on stars?

I AM morbidly pessimistic but if I never see male writers drafting heroes who satisfy female fantasies in a romantic context, I may honestly conclude that male lovers *don’t* or cannot look at their female partners in that way. And that will make me very, very sad.

So my challenge to men writing MF erotica and romance, please show me that a man could possibly fulfill those genre fantasies. You may need to pick up a few bestsellers.

Women deal with insecurity about their smell, looks, weight, worth, and their value and sometimes just EVERYTHING. They question whether guys really want them for who they are or if they are replaceable objects/orifices. Show us the fantastic ways that a man could lust after/crave/need/die for these goddesses and how a man would want to rock her core in a way that fulfills her deepest dreams. Make it clear to us that if your character can do this then by extension we will know that men are capable of loving/lusting/cherishing women in this way, too.

Male Writers: Show us the fantastic ways that a man could lust after/crave/need/die for his goddess and the ways he would rock her core and fulfill her deepest desires.

Do it for the cynical writers and readers like me? πŸ€— Do it for all the romance readers who are laying on their beds dreaming of a book boyfriend to appear and satisfy their most intimate longings?


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Photo via Bahn


  1. Gosh, I feel really lucky then. My favourite playmates DO rock my core – beyond telling me both verbally and written. My absolute favourite shows me in looks and manner, how much he cannot wait to devour & destroy me, everytime we are together. He also tells me that it’s my whole being he finds attractive – my mind, personality & body (I posted a direct convo the first time he said this actually).
    I wish I could get either him or another playmate, who echoes the same sentiments, to write something for my blog!

    Liked by 3 people

    • You ARE lucky! It is great when partner styles line up with each other. Sometimes it can be helpful or practical if partners have different styles but I think it is a LOT of fun when partners are verbally and physically expressive. Yum!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. This is a really interesting take on the romance/erotica genre. I think the thing is that erotica writers (myself included) tend towards writing what really turns us on (although not one hundred percent of the time). So when I read erotica written by men, the kink is def. different. In fact it feels like it’s a lot more ‘have sex, here, now, and with that hot woman over there too’. It would be interesting to see them do something with more depth from a mans POV.
    I would try some of Ian Smith’s works though, you might like them. They are a little British though
    ; )

    PS. thanks for the follow!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I will definitely check Ian out- I am familiar with his name but I haven’t read him yet. I think many bloggers I am reading are not in the states because I’m seeing “whilst” and many references to knickers!

      I read MM romance and erotica too and I’m always trying to notice the differences depending on whether the writer is male or female.

      It will be interesting to see how erotica writing changes as gender roles change. . .

      Thanks for following- I look forward to reading more from you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Great post! I like my fantasy with a healthy dose of reality, myself, otherwise I usually just end up laughing at how ridiculous it is. Most erotica seems like porn mad libs; they’re all basically the same, you just fill in the names, hair colors, and holes to be filled. I’m pretty sure most women want a little more than that. I know I do!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Mr. Kane, I presume?

      Are you submitting the Bunhampton Chronicles to be thoroughly examined as my erotic test subject?

      From the sexy details I feel a building sensation that these stories will arouse my “ripped bodice” sensibilities.

      I will need a few days to conduct an intimate examination. After I have a chance to read and touch myself- I mean touch on the important passages and mastur- oops, meditate on your use of POV, I will post about whether your submission satisfies me…or erm my literary standards. ; )

      Liked by 2 people

      • While the Bumhampton Chronicles can certainly serve as a titillating test bed upon which to bounce your sensibilities, The Witch of Olympus Hollow novella is also written from the female POV.

        Should you wish a closer inspection of my technique, I certainly can answer any pressing concerns you may have about fit and function of various implements used in the creative process.

        Either Lurv Spanking aka LS or Mr. Kane will suffice. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Yeah I think men can, if you ask me you should check out my post “love and desires part 2” and other stories. I write from a female POV. Tell me what you think when you do.😊

    You write well by the way!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve written a lot of erotica and I’m always challenged by being a man… but writing about a woman’s passions and desires, what she really need versus what us guys have been taught to think about this; trying to capture things like insecurity, uncertainty, a woman’s fears, the bad things that might have had a hand in shaping her sexual behavior – wow, it’s a lot to take into consideration.

    I might have a slight edge: I’m bisexual and, as such, I’ve been exposed to many of the same things women have been when dealing with men and their lust. So while I might not capture it perfectly, I can get fairly close…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Katya, this is by far the richest mine to stumble across to help me with my erotic stories as I start in this genre. Men like you are desiring to read about do exist. Seriously, just the sentence you shared listing the insecurities of women and to address them, very rich for story development. Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I’ve done a fair share of erotic poetry before (to which I’ve gotten great feedback) but haven’t done a short story or any kind of prose yet. It’s something I’ve been toying with the idea of. Is this a challange of something you would just like to see or something you want sent directly to you here?

    The challange I think most men face is considering how a woman feels when writing. A physical encounter is primarily driven by what feels good to men and they approach it that way. What gets women involved mainly is a relational engagement into what’s going on. Women are more turned on by a connection or investment, even if it’s only for a moment. This is critical in making a centerpiece of your writing if you intend your main audience to be women.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is a very interesting point you make: “[relational engagement is what gets women involved] Women are more turned on by a connection or investment, even if it’s only for a moment.” I love how you explain that.

      I hate how there is a stereotype that women are “looking for a relationship” and it is often implied that women don’t want casual sex and want something long-term…which I think is bogus.

      I am searching my mind for an example that what your saying isn’t true and I can’t think of anything. Brilliant point. I am thinking that even in a random encounter a likely female response would want *some* type of connection even if it is a role play or momentary fantasy (like a stranger fantasy) connection.

      I guess this might be why glory holes are not a common feature in women’s erotica? 😳

      I put the question out there rhetorically but I am open to the possibilities…I liked what Forbidden Writer did- doing his own post and linking back to mine- Feel free to reblog my post and I will reblog yours with comment.

      But it is best if you give me a link (not see all my poetry 😁) because I don’t really have time to do that for anyone!

      If you do a post & don’t get a response within a day or 2 send me a message because WordPress’ comment/pingback system is sometimes a bit wonky but maybe I haven’t figured it out yet!

      Liked by 1 person

    • This is so interesting because you literally describe a man enamored with a woman who is so exquisite and exotic that she either looks like a goddess or is a reflection of the man’s image of her.

      It makes me realize how my description of women’s romance desires was NOT universal, was not specific and is absolutely bound by time, place and culture.

      My call- that women want to be treated like Goddesses is so overly broad in context of all of the understandings of “goddess!”

      I like your take on this. It is totally different than what I was thinking about- but beautiful.

      At a future time I hope to revisit this and post a few more thoughts.

      But your Goddess- she is lovely!!!! She has obviously caught the eye of her ardent lover!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I love this post! Men can totally write erotic romance and there are some good guys out there who know how to give their partners a good time and make them feel good. The idea that men cannot write erotic romance is kind of like the idea that women cannot write hardcore thrillers. It just doesn’t make sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I absolutely agree with you! I think good writing isn’t determined by gender and men and women aren’t as different as society thinks they are. I’ve always hated the whole “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” idea. There is also a stereotype that men write focusing on “action” and women write about (and need) “emotion.”

      I think I have an unstated motive in trying to break down the gender stereotypes regarding love & sex!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I think honesty and truth, described with a little artistic flair, is pretty gender neutral. I think it’s simply the stereotypes that bugger the whole thing up. If I write from a place of true observation and emotional vulnerability, to simply write, my work can surprise me. When I try to write FOR an audience, and anticipate what they want, I fall short. So, I suppose, for me, it has to be something that I really wish to express without the intention of serving the audience’s expectation, where I feel I ultimately say something that may actually resonate.


    • I absolutely agree. I need to re-read what I wrote because I honestly can’t remember how much I revealed about my viewpoint.

      I notice that people really respond to the things I’ve written from the heart, which have sometimes come from a place of pain, so I love how you pinpoint that “honesty and truth, with a little artistic flair” can create something that really touches people.

      I read through a few of your posts and I am frankly, a little stunned, by how much some of your stories resonate with me. I am very impressed and I can’t wait to read the rest.

      Liked by 1 person

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